8.31.2007

D Day

I was doing fine until this morning. In fact, I called about a half dozen friends last night and left them messages saying that I was feeling strong and good about leaving today for Paris. And as what often happens, leaving those messages were more important for my mental status than for the recipients'.

But then this morning I started piling everything up that I needed to take with me and I couldn't find my house keys. In some kind of poetic twist, even the physical problem existed of not being able to "get back into my former home." And as I ransacked the place, cursing the piles of junk mail that have collected over the past two months and shoving old magazines in a garbage bag, I started bawling again, the mantra repeating in my head "I don't want to go." Because on some level, I don't want to come back. And the only thing worse than being somewhat dissatisfied with your life is going away from it and having to re-enter once more.

I lay on my bed staring across at the closet as my poor mother searched the nooks and crannies of the room around me. And suddenly I got up, walked across the room, reached my hand into the right pocket of my white jacket and pulled out the keys. And then I calmed down.

I'm leaving for a week to get my stuff and I promised my new boss last night that I would be coming back (although don't think it wasn't an idea as recent as a week ago to end up staying in Paris for good). I can't promise good Internet access over the next week, but I can promise some good stories when I get back. Like what "downward facing dog" is in French. I'm really looking forward to that.

2 comments:

adam said...

Hi, this is not so related to your page, but it is the site you asked me 1 month ago about the abs diet. I tried it, worked well. Well here is the site

Anonymous said...

Good luck and take care!

Edith

p.s: have a coffee and some croissants in the morning, sitting at the terrace of a cafe, buy a french newspaper, look at people passing by and enjoy your Paris!!!