Change: it's more than just nickels and dimes

So just before I left on vacation, my new job invited me to stay and be a real, live full-time employee. I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, but I was originally on a 3-month contract and now am happy to report my status as: HEALTH INSURANCE-RECIPIENT. Or "now-able-to-break-my-leg-without-worrying-about-making-a-homemade-cast-of-post-its-and-Elmer's-glue." Phew!

Last night a bunch of my work buddies and I went out to celebrate and at one point I said to Doug, "You know what? I just want to say one thing." TO DOUG. But he was so drunk that he thought I wanted to talk to everyone, so he tapped on his beer mug and soon I had 10 people staring at me, waiting for 'the speech.' What was intended to be one of those gooshy comments made to a friend ("I love you guys!") turned into a gooshy speech and I think I said "I can't believe that three months ago I didn't know any of you and now I'm so happy that you're all in my life" or something to that effect. Cheese indeed, but I meant it.

Which brings me to this other feeling I've been having lately, one that has prompted me to avoid writing on the old blog-a-roo of late. Last week I was walking home from the subway and I actually thought to myself: "OK, THAT IS IT. Enough friends. You have reached the quota for a lifetime of friends." This feeling stems from the fact that I have such awful guilt when it comes to friendships, that I am not so good at realizing that some friends are going to be people I see every few months or every every few years. I want it all! And yet, it's just impossible to let everyone in, to share myself (in the very open and intimate way that I do) with so many people. Because what ends up happening is that there isn't much personal space left in the way of privacy.

It's been interesting to roll this question around in my head- what happens if the very trait that you feel defines who you are ends up being something that you'd like to change? Or not change, but evolve?

I read a fair bunch of blogs and I'm always struck by the different ways people use their voices. Some blogs read like columns in a newspaper, showy and audience-friendly. Others feel like peering over the author's shoulder, watching as they write in their journals. Some have hundreds of people who leave comments, others don't even allow people to respond.

What I think I'm getting at here is that I'm not sure that the way I use my blog is something that really fits me anymore. It might be- but I'd like the option of at least thinking about it without feeling as though I'd be letting other people down. I'd like to think about posting in French once in a while without feeling as though I'm alienating the non-French speakers. Or maybe I'd like to start bolding sentences that I feel hit at the heart of what I'm trying to say. I'd like to grant myself the option of exploring newness.

So... you know. Just wanted to let you all know.


Edith said...

you know we'll be there, always trying to understand you, even if you start writing in a weird mathematical/ computer language...

Avi said...

Great post! Change is great, and right, and real — just keep writing, and whatever you write will continue to be great.