12.21.2008

Snowy Sunday post

There are some important philosophical changes happening right now in the old noggin. As is typical in these types of recalculating GPS moments, I keep running into the walls that I'd originally constructed to help me get the kind of life I thought I wanted. Goals can be extremely motivating, but only if you maintain and refit them to reality every so often.

This strange clarity stems from a few themes that have been boiling in the background all Fall and my annual review at work last week. All in all, it was a really positive experience and (to my company's credit) completely blew open the expectations I had for myself. As a lit girl transplanted into the world of software, I don't think I've allowed myself to aim for more than fluently following the conversations I'm involved with on a daily basis. There has been a fair amount of anxiety over the past eight months about proving that I can run with the rest of the bunch. Suddenly I've arrived at a moment where I'm not as concerned with proving that I'm smart/intuitive/diligent enough to participate. This is not to say that I feel 100% about everything I'm doing at work (far from it, in fact), but it allows a certain reflection-pause in the hike of what seemed to be an utterly un-scalable mountain last April.

For Christmas, I bought Kate and Steve tickets to Ingrid Michaelson's Holiday Hop and so they stopped by work on Thursday so I could show them around. We had a few drinks with co-workers before the concert, which ended up being the kind of situation you hope will happen when two important groups of people in your life meet. Without exception, everyone was charming and funny and smart.

So there I am, sitting in the Ingrid concert a few hours later, just basking in the glow of awesomeness: work, friends, family, music that inspires. And something important clicked in me, something that I have a hard time defining. I just wanted to let go of everything that had been questioning my happiness. The list of these factors spans from love to location, from my troubles with writing to my troubles with doing laundry often enough. I just had this massive "CHILL THE HELL OUT, JEN" moment.

And so yesterday I made pancakes for Kate and after she left, I didn't shower. I stayed in my pajamas all day and watched movies and worked on Christmas gifts for my Mom and brushed Oscar and took naps. I read the New Yorker and I watched the snow. I was purposefully quiet because I was resting, but also because I was resting up- because I'm very interested in redefining the scope of where I'm headed.

The girls and I had our annual Secret Santa on Friday night and I mentioned that it seems crazy to be almost finished with "Great in '08!", a phrase that has been our mantra for the year. "Fine in '09" seemed like such a bummer, I argued, and then Sarah suddenly said, "NO, wait. Sublime in '09!"

And it was the perfect answer.

I was going to stop there, but I had another relevant thought as I was just playing with Oscar and this laser that I got last week. He loves it and chases it all around the apartment, but there's some small part of me that wants to let him *get* it sometimes. I'm clearly being dramatic here, but sometimes it feels like I'm dangling something totally unachievable in front of him. When I feel that, I usually switch to an actual toy and let him chew on it for a while to get out his frustrations.

It seems like the perfect metaphor for life stuff. What laser beams are you chasing? What are you toiling over that has no chance of being actual? It's the end of the year and a time when we're all making resolutions and trying to rethink how to have a sublime '09. Those questions seem totally relevant.

Happy weekend, guys. I'm sorry I haven't been more regular on FOL lately; I have lots of conflicting feelings about this blog and what it is. It's something that I'll write about soon, but for now I have to go start my day.

Oh, and good luck with identifying the laser beams... that's really the hardest part, isn't it?

1 comment:

Erica said...

That's so weird ... I made Ciara a mix CD last december (or maybe it was January) and i called it the "we will be great in 2008" mix.

And the funny thing is, we HAVE been great in 2008.

So we've been trying to come up with a good slogan for 2009, and "fine" just wasn't good enough.

She emailed me a bunch this morning (my favorite being in french ... "2009 une annee pour moi et ma meuf").

I was talking to my mom about our troubles finding a good slogan for 2009, and my mom came up with "sublime".

2009 will be sublime !!