If you see me rolling into a cocoon, you know what happened.

On Saturday, Chris and I went to see separate movies at the same time. "I'm surrounded by grandmas!" I texted him as I took my seat in Julie & Julia. "I'm surrounded by meatheads," he texted back from District 9.

Today the senior citizen theme continued, as the closest doctor I could find on ZocDoc was a Geriatrics specialist. Was a little age difference really going to make me go to a doctor on the west side? Hell to the no. Geriatrics was fine by me.

It seems I've had an allergic reaction to a CATERPILLAR BITE. I know. What? I know. First Yoga eye, now this. What's next? CUPCAKE ARM?

Two weekends ago I was minding my own business on a park bench (lost in the romantic letters of A Venetian Affair) when I felt something on my neck. I reached up and picked off a little green worm. "Blech," I thought. But then I tried to get over it. Because CATERPILLARS are supposed to be adorable and eat through books and turn into butterflies.

A few minutes later, I felt something at my elbow. One of those big effing ones. With the hair. And a Caterpillar SWAT team. So I bid adieu to the park and finished the book in the comfort of my apartment.

Fast forward ten days and here I am, glands swollen, unmovable fat neck. I have a fat neck, guys. It's not pretty. "Look," I said to Chris the other morning with my hair twisted up into a towel, "my neck is fat. I look like a fat immigrant."

"Where's your babushka?" he said.

To add insult to injury, some other type of insect bit the hell out of my ass the other night while sleeping. So I show up at the Geriatric doctor this afternoon with a fat neck, a caterpillar vampire story, and an ass full of (spider? flea? RAT?) bites.

"Do you itch at all?" the doctor asked. Duh.

So now I have antibiotics. And prescription Ibuprofen. And anti-itch cream.

On an unrelated and also sad note, the bake sale was a total bust. My new friend Lee (who commented on the last post) got a free cupcake as I toted my 900 pastries back to my fridge. I made $5 in 3 hours. That is so much less than minimum wage that it's not even funny. Instead I think I will work on some more prosperous ventures, like writing articles or catsitting. Or, you know, joining a freak show.

Behold, the girl with the caterpillar allergy! WATCH HER ITCH!


kate said...


Anonymous said...

Umm... be careful taking those antibiotics... Remember the near-death experience you had years back...???!!!!

Jen said...

Haha- Tejal, I just told the Calcium pill choking story this morning!

ev said...

CRAZY!!! this is hysterical. also, if i'd been walking by you, i totally would have bought at least three funfetti cupcakes. i looooove funfetti...