9.17.2009

The loss of the losing

Last night during the Ingrid Michaelson concert (which, by the way, was one of the most fun I've ever been to), she played a mix of old songs and new. Several of her songs from the Boys and Girls album reminded me of the period after I'd moved home from France and would drive from work to Yoga before heading home to my parents'. Ingrid's album was the soundtrack of those few months and last night I found myself thinking about that wonderful moment with music- the one when you are so distraught or lost that you can only sing someone else's words over and over again. And it gives you strength.

This is the power of break-up songs, isn't it? The message that you're better off and your life will be ok and you are finally free. The freedom that I have felt in the past after break-ups has always been fueled by music, both Ingrid's and others.

Last night I thought about how my life has been pretty good lately and how the space within me to connect with some of those secretly-longing-to-be-freer lyrics seems to have shifted. I still hear the songs, I still understand where the lyrics come from, but they no longer resonate with me. I suppose that means I'm happy.

When you've spent 28 years grasping at the hints of love that find their way into your life (both Love and love), it is an odd feeling to have drained that pool. The 'what if' path is well-worn in my love life; I have, many times, left something with substance for the possibility of something more. I never left someone because there was nothing left. Rather, I left because I suspected there was nothing more to find.

The moments of rebound, of self-motivated bounce-back, that have defined who and how I am... they are part of my identity. For a split second during the concert, I mourned their loss. And then I imagined all of the other moments that I don't even know about yet- the moments AFTER the starting gate of a relationship, the time that doesn't involve finding someone but rather staying with and working on life together with someone. Those I know nothing about yet.

One of the reasons I so love Ingrid is because she's about the same age as I am. As she discovers life, so do I. And I'm so excited for the day when she puts out an album about this next step in Love; to see how she interprets it, to sing along and consider how I connect with it... that's going to be great.

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