9.27.2010

Confessions of a 29 year-old human

Here's something I recently realized: when you have a terribly busy day that includes lots of potentially stressful conversations with clients, you can take comfort in one thing: within 24 hours, it's going to be over. Last night Chris and I were on the couch talking about the upcoming week and I told him about all of the crazy calls I had planned at work today.

"But in 24 hours, I'm going to be right here on this couch and I'm going to be fine," I said. And that's exactly where I am right now.

That's a big deal. That means I'm sort of learning to deal with stress.

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In the past two weeks, I've had spontaneous dinner and coffee with friends. I wandered Atlantic Antic with Doug and Courtney and I spent much of the weekend sleeping. Not having every night planned is working; I feel happier to see people when it's on my own spontaneous terms. Plus, last night I spent an hour responding to a hand-written letter that Fanny sent me from London. It was so cathartic to let some ink do the work of conveying my most inner thoughts. And even though she's far away, it still feels like we spent time together recently.

That's a big deal. That means I'm sort of learning to deal with friends.

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I read a lot of blogs. Some bloggers I read recently attended Mighty Summit, a conference for women bloggers, designed to inspire them and help them get moving on their life lists. It's made me think about big goals I have for myself, not the kind that you can buy a plane ticket for, but the ones you can't imagine yourself achieving. 

I don't feel like my goals are big enough.

I want to open the fences, the doors that keep me separated from writing things like "publish a personal essay" or "write a book of poetry" or "get my company to recycle." I want to care enough about something - one thing - to see it happen. This weekend we visited the newly opened Brooklyn Bridge Park, a hugely ambitious project to get 14 miles along the waterfront ready for bikers, runners and park lovers. There's only a small section open today - and this has taken 12 years. I want to dedicate myself to something for years, to feel a deep passion for a project like that. 

I want to contribute.

I know I have it in me.

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Court's going to have her baby this week (or, I suppose next week if the little guy is really being lazy). There will be a new person on our planet. What will he do? How will he contribute? I'm not even close to being his mother and I have hopes for him, dreams for him. 

My sister is applying to nursing school for next summer. What babies will she help bring into this world? Who will they become? 

And who have I become? And what did everyone imagine for me when I was so tiny, still growing inside my mom, the girl behind the heartbeat, a promise of a person to land here on this planet? 

That's a big deal... I'm still trying to figure it out.

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