When social anxiety rears its ugly head.

The truth of it is, I'm very nervous about the Find the Future adventure game on Friday night. Here's why:
1. I have to stay awake. ALL NIGHT. I normally get 8 hours of sleep.
2. My bridal shower is the next day.
3. I have to work all day on Friday.
4. I'm.... scared of the social dynamic.

What! Yes. I am. I know some of you might find this hard to believe, but ever since I heard that the teams are not organized by the leaders of the game, but rather by people getting into teams themselves, I've been feeling very nervous. What if I don't get picked? What if no one likes me? What if I'm on a team with horrible people?

Yesterday I came down with a cold, the same cold that my brother had last weekend in DC. And though I had registered to run a 5k at Wall Street last night, I bailed on it last minute. It made me feel terrible, like I'd failed my running and my bib number and my training plan... but in another way, it felt so good to bail. Suddenly I had a free evening. Granted, I mostly just sat around taking Advil and sniffing, but it felt so good to relieve my calendar.

In some ways, I've been thinking about bailing on Friday night's amazing event in the library. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? It's the experience of a lifetime, I get to write a book with other awesome people, and I might even get to meet Allez, Allie (she, too, is playing!). I just get these weak moments where I think "Well, you are sick, and your shower is the next day, and it does sound like an intense night." Poor baby.

This afternoon I thought about ways to bully myself into not bailing on the library. Writing on this blog came to mind. I started thinking about how uncomfortable this whole experience was making me feel and then it smacked me across the face. DISCOMFORT? I nailed that last semester! Or, at least, I learned how to nail it.

So I started deconstructing what made me feel anxious. I researched the train times to get to my parents' house the next morning so I knew that I would have plenty of time to get to the shower and even take a nap. I went on the Find the Future Facebook page and admitted how nervous I was about staying up so late. Finally, I read through the guidelines that the game leader posted so I knew exactly how the night would go.

Aren't things so much more scary when you don't know the details?

I'm feeling better about it and I'm most likely going to go. But I wanted to share this on the blog because it's one of my weaker moments lately and I think those are just as important to share as race victories and successful dinners. Everyone has a version of themselves that is anxious and afraid of being left out. Myself included.


Meg said...

You are so cool for writing this post. I read a lot of blogs and they're almost always super positive. Look at the great things I'm doing/making/reading/thinking. Occasionally I read about people going through really hard stuff - divorces, death of loved ones, sickness. Rarely do I read about people feeling the blahs and a bit of "yikes! I'm jumping into the deep end and I'm a little worried about it." Very refreshing, very real. So, thanks for that.

Now for some unsolicited advice - please go to your night in a museum/write a book adventure! It does sound intense and I have noticed that social situations have gotten way harder as I've gotten older. But the hardest things to will myself to do are the ones I end up appreciating best. A year from now you'll be a married lady remembering an incredible weekend that started off without sleep and ended up with stories to tell, new friends made, a book being collaboratively written AND presents! Pretty damn good weekend and one worth remembering.

Ok. Off my soapbox. Hope you feel better, buddy!

Maddy said...

Jen the night at the library looks AMAZING - please tell me you went??? How was it?? Happy bridal shower evening! Mad xxx