October 26, 2012.

There's that old saying: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results makes you a crazy person. This is parenting, at least in the first two weeks. You stumble down the repetitive path of change diaper - feed baby - burp baby - swaddle - get baby to sleep. This cycle restarts every 2.5 hours, regardless of how long the baby fed or slept or burped. Sometimes you can get a full hour and a half of sleep while you await the beginning again... and other times you get 15 minutes.

I don't work well like this. I work best building things up, contributing small goals towards something larger. I love the process of identifying small tasks, taking apart a huge project by naming the sum of its parts. I'm good at it. What I am not good at is floundering.

Today was a flounderer. Last night was mostly sleepless; I felt myself getting bummed as the sun went down. I didn't want to go into the bedroom, where turning the lights out meant adhering to the 2.5-hour schedule when you wanted to sleep for 8. Today I cried on and off. I took no photos and I stayed off of Facebook, where people's appetite for photos of our child is insatiable (and, frankly, some days quite stressful).

It was a bad day.

These fuzzy days don't feel like building anything. They feel like surviving. When I look back at October 26, 2012, it will be a day on which I won't have accomplished anything.

Except my son is alive. He's fed, rested and clean. His legs seem the slightest bit chunkier.

So I guess we're building something.


EricaRW said...

Cheering for you sister, keep up the hard work!!

Kate said...

It does sound tough but you are awesomely up it. I'm cheering for you too! And so cool that you are even able to do some writing despite the fog. Go Jen!!

Amber, theAmberShow said...

You're parenting. You're keeping someone else alive, and loving them.

That's a whole hell of a lot, my friend, even on the days when you feel floundery doing it.

Jen said...

Thanks, friends. xox

Abby said...

Few people work well in this situation (there's a reason why depriving people of sleep is used as a form of TORTURE). Sending you lots of love and light.

Anne said...

Be a little nice to yourself, you're doing it right.