Finding balance.

Last night I went to an info session for a daycare in our neighborhood. Because we live in NYC, there were pregnant ladies at this info session. Most daycares have a waiting list of over a year and when I heard about that while I was pregnant I got so irritated and annoyed that I bailed on the whole project of finding one... so now I'm the woman in the audience with a 4 month old kid asking about how often people drop off the waiting list.

NYC, you kill me sometimes.

I'm slowly starting to assemble a plan for getting me out of the house. Some days I'm ready to grab the first person I see and say "HERE STAY WITH THIS BABY SO I CAN GO TO WORK" and other days I don't feel so frantic about it. I had such mixed emotions during the session last night (which was crazily impressive). While I don't know that I'm the right person to spend all day everyday with Noah, it is so hard to sit there and imagine him spending nine hours with someone else!

It reminded me of the feeling I had when my brother went to Kindergarten. I distinctly remember him talking about some of the things they did on his first day of school and realizing that my brother was going to know people and do things that I knew nothing about. Up until that point I had known his whole world... now he was going to have parts of it that were private. He was beginning to write his own story and that's how I feel when I think of Noah spending some of his days at a daycare too.

Even though I had that slightly gut-wrenching feeling, I also was completely in awe of what this daycare was proposing. Play time and science time and art time and music and a billion other awesome fun things to do with new friends. I could never give all of that to Noah - firstly because I'm not a childhood education person, but secondly because that's not my role with him. I'm his mom and there will be some things he'll always need from me, but he will also need wonderful teachers and funny friends and people whose passion is caring for tiny people like him.

It helps me to think of the long game sometimes. When I imagine the relationship I'd like to have with Noah when he's grown, it's one in which he can come to me for advice or support, but that I also get to learn things about what he's studying or hear about the friends he's made or the places he's traveled to. It is my huge dream that Noah thrives in the world he makes for himself (one is launched from the structure we provided him with in the first place) and inherent in that is that he has experiences and relationships that do not involve me (or Chris!) at all.

This whole thing is a process, a complex and difficult balancing act.

Incidentally, the scene in the most recent Downton Abbey episode when the grandma talks about having to spend an hour a day with her children while they were growing up, made me laugh out loud. Thank god for other centuries, man. Keeps things in perspective!

No comments: