Learning to find relief.

We were invited to a first birthday party for a friends' son, scheduled to happen this afternoon. I've been looking forward to it for over a month. But last night during a 2am feeding, I logged into our Zipcar account and canceled our reservation. I was achy and congested, but on top of that I felt the weight of Sunday To-Dos. Noah and I spent yesterday up at my parents' house, which was awesome. But having visited them, we hadn't done laundry or vacuumed or grocery shopped or or or or or or...

It was worth it, don't get me wrong. But there I am at 2am in the rocking chair thinking about how we're possibly going to start the week off with milk for coffee and a clean sleep sac for the baby if we spend a good chunk of the day at the birthday party. Sometimes I feel like we're on a train that's going 100 miles an hour and we're totally handling it, not getting dizzy from the view whizzing past, until we go over a bump or need an emergency pit stop. And then, the pausing of the 100 mph, well that's what makes me carsick.

I knew canceling the car was the right thing to do. It sucked, though in a way it was also a relief. 


This probably warrants its own post, but I WENT TO WORK! I did two days last week and I'll do another two this week. 

Can I admit something, Internet? 


Well, not forever. I did want to go home and squish my baby and eat takeout with my husband. But I was so, so happy to be back. You know that feeling when you're staying at home and you feel like you spend all day doing things but don't have anything tangible to show for it? Well, work is the opposite of that. Work is busy and there are 40 people who want to talk to me and there are HR issues to deal with and I have to pump 3 times a day, but it is all PREDICTABLE. And as such, I am able to get a rhythm going, to enjoy the 100 mph ride, to do cartwheels while the train is moving at top speeds.

A huge (huge!) reason I'm able to focus on a million things at work is because I do not worry about Noah back at home. Our friend Sarah (YES I KNOW, EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN MY LIFE IS NAMED SARAH.) has agreed to be our nanny and she is a pro and we trust her. Sometimes she sends me a text that says Noah is taking a nap and I am so damn happy he is sleeping without me that I go into my next meeting with 1000 extra pounds of energy.

He's alright. Though his mom left him with a nanny so she could go to work, he's more than alright. And this? This is such a relief.

Jumparoo. Sans jumping so far.
Now it's nearly Sunday evening and I have to admit that it was the right choice to cancel the car and bail on the party. I slept in, Chris napped, we did laundry and errands in the neighborhood and we even had some time to experiment with Noah in his latest gadget. We're in good shape for this next week.

I know that we can still be spontaneous sometimes, but things run easier when we have food in the fridge and clean sheets when the baby pees through his pjs at 4am.

I interpret this responsibility as true adulthood. And so it was particularly sweet to experience the opposite during my commute on Friday morning. A homeless man was sleeping on one of the benches and most of the people in the train had moved away from him. (He was pretty stinky.)

I looked at him and thought about the banana in my bag. I approached him.

"Hi sir," I said. "I'm going to leave you this banana." I placed it on the bench next to him.

It was a very pure moment for me because there were no stakes. I didn't have to take on the reasons why this man was homeless or wonder where he'd get his next meal or get riled up about the government and handouts and setting precedents by giving bananas (what a nation of sloths! what if everyone starts expecting free bananas?!).

It was a simple gesture - one banana for one hungry person - and that was it. He was no longer my responsibility.

And that feeling? Well, it was such a freaking relief.


Sarahmia said...

I love you for this. I love that you're enjoying being back at work, that you're not afraid to admit it and that you carry bananas in your purse :)

Anne said...

Good for you.

The jumparoo was the absolute favorite thing in both of my kids' lives for a very long time. Also, they are safe, stationary, and entertained... I believe it was the return of showers. I have a picture of Matty with a blister on the ball of his foot from so much jumping.