11.24.2013

Wills and Ways.

My son can walk. His legs are sturdy and his sense of balance is strong enough and his desire to get places is there. He took a few steps earlier this month and now he regularly takes a few if we set him up between us and catch him as he gets close.

But he doesn't know he can walk yet. So he doesn't.

I've been thinking about this lately, about the fact that he can do something but does not yet believe it, and so he cannot. I've been wondering what types of scenarios exist for me like that.

I've been wondering.

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Plucky is an exercise in mind over matter, in believing, in realizing that all of the old adages about manifesting what you want are true. Where there's a will, there's a way. The hard part isn't executing on what I want, it's figuring out what I want. I've now signed a few contracts and am actively working with small companies, helping them find their way. It's taking me to new cities and it's revealing itself to be a worthy enterprise, indeed.

Sometimes Chris will be listening to me practice a presentation in our living room and he'll stop me and say "can you believe Plucky is a thing? Can you believe it's your work and it's real?" And it really is the craziest thing. It's like all I needed to do was line up my talents with my vision and *poof*. It showed up.

Lest I be selling the difficulties short, they exist. It's hard work finding the confidence and backbone to charge rates for your time and not feel like a phony. Sometimes I publish a blog post and immediately want to crawl under the desk for the next 26 hours, anxious about what "they" will think. (Who's "they"? I don't know. Rude people at their own desks, I guess...)

My worst fear is that someone says "who does she think she is?" It's not about much else, honestly. It's about someone wondering if I have outreached my limits, if I do not deserve to go where I am going.

But then, you know, this whole thing is about reaching and going! And I can already see that these bouts of worrying about what others think are less and less frequent. I'm not so obtuse as to believe they will ever fully go away, though. Fear can be healthy if it's not the star of the show; sometimes fear can mean we're standing right in the heart of interesting.


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How do you know when it's time to pull the trigger on the thing you've been daydreaming about, whether it's a job or a person or a city you want to live in? That's tricky. I think it requires action inspired by moments of clarity. There are moments in your life when you can see what you really want... but often what you want requires change and money and possibly breaking someone else's dream for you.  So it's very easy to backslide.

If you backslide, that's alright. There's no shame in it because one day soon another moment of clarity will come knocking at your door. And then? Then you might be a little closer to making the leap.

I'm pretty sure that life is made up of periods of working up the will to do something, followed by ACTION. Sometimes those periods will be short (i.e. I really want ice cream right now! Let's leave and get some). But other time those periods will take weeks or months or years of simmering, waiting for you to get ready. Leaving my old job was like that. Moving to Paris was like that. Dating Chris was like that.

And the whole trick of the game is waiting for your head to catch up to your heart. That's it. As soon as it happens, you act. You move. You write the book. You build a house. You pick up the guitar. You ask for the promotion.

You can do it because you no longer believe that you cannot.

4 comments:

Rebecca said...

This post reminded me of a book...
http://www.indiebound.org/book/9780152055738

Anonymous said...

Go Jen!!!!! This is all so, so exciting. hugs xxx

Steve said...

This post is amazing.

Jess said...

I feel like I should tell you I read this post almost every week. It is so good. And I'm basically in a conversation with it.