Day 21

Someone once told me that it takes 21 days to develop a habit or routine. No one has told that yet to Aaron, whose nights are either baller like 2 nights ago (slept in 2 hour increments in the bassinet!) or like last night (40 min increments only in someone's arms). It was a rough night.


I do think we are finding a routine despite the kind of night we end up with. I try to make it as long as possible during the night before transferring Aaron to Chris, who brings him in the living room. Some nights that lets Chris sleep for 5 hours before child care duties call! And then the second half of the night is about me sleeping, waking up when Chris brings me the baby to nurse and then I give him right back. This has worked for the last week or so.

I dread evenings because it means the night is coming but I keep trying to remember that this is only a stage and we just have to tread water through it. 

The hiatus from most social media has felt so good! In this fragile and quiet time I really want to be careful about what I have bouncing around my brain at 2am and, frankly, reading the NYTimes for the shitshow that is Donald Trump and the Republican party is enough crazy to entertain a person these days!

We've had some visitors which was helpful and I'm very grateful but now we have a few quiet weeks that I'm looking forward to as well. Nesting with this new little family and learning how we all need each other feels like exactly what I want and need.

This is more of a journal entry than a piece of writing, but I have a tiny person nursing on me and my brain is foggy and I mostly just want this all recorded, that things were bad and sometimes they got better and sometimes worse but overall we kept breathing and loving each other through it. 

Side note: we will celebrate our 4 year wedding anniversary next month and boy do I love the marriage I'm in. I want no one else beside me figuring out how to parent two boys.



Day 11

"Five days in the bed
Five days on the bed
Five days around the bed."

This is what my midwife told me nearly every appointment before Aaron was born. The first two weeks postpartum, she explained, was really important to my healing - mentally and physically. We've been following this as much as possible, prioritizing sleep over everything else and we've got a tiny rhythm down now. It will inevitably change in 24 hours (because, newborns!) but I hold onto any pattern I can to get through each day. Chris and I high five before bed each night, congratulating our team for making it one more day. 

The second kid is much different than the first- or maybe it's purely that we are different parents. I have posted 2 or 3 things on social media since A's birth but consumed nothing. I go between the NYTimes and people.com. (Just being honest!) I sleep much better when I'm not worried about anyone outside this fam for the moment. It won't last forever but it's been great for these early days.

We also just really adore this baby. He is eating like a fiend, the total opposite scenario from when Noah lost weight for the first 10 days. Man are we grateful that we're not panicked about our kid's hydration levels this time around.

But we know what's coming. A charming little boy who uses his words and smiles at us and wants to wear certain pjs or hear his favorite stories before bed. That has been proven out through Noah and we are loving the early age with Aaron so much more because we can see the light down the tunnel.

Someone's ready to eat again so this is the end!


Day 8

Last night I got in bed at 7pm, hoping that I could get a little more sleep with the extra time front-loaded. When I saw that it was midnight and I hadn't slept yet because our second son Aaron had been cluster feeding all night again, I was in a bad place. (Hi blog I haven't written on in months... I had a baby a week ago.)

So finally at 2am I sent Chris to the living room with Aaron so I could have a shift of sleep. And I ended up with about 4+ hours, interrupted by a few more feedings. 

There is a short list of things that are getting me through this period. A book
called The Obstacle is the Way that I read right before he was born. Another book that I'm too tired to look up right now about a woman named Amy who lost both her legs and then became an Olympic snowboarder. The concept called Stockdale syndrome of a military guy captured in Vietnam who always believed he'd get out of there but never put a timeline on it so his heart was never broken. 

And I also thought about sitting in the sun today for 10 minutes. I haven't left my front door in 8 days and I thought about how it would feel to have sun on me. Nights are so hard around 5pm because you start to brace yourself for anything but sleep. 

So now I'm in the sun for 10 minutes to drink some water and tea (this kid EATS) and to feel some sun and breeze before I'm needed inside. (And JUST as I typed that, Noah woke up from his nap. Time to go.)

Future self, you made it through newborn phase #2. Current self, you're doing it. One hour at a time.