I don't want to be here. But I don't want to go forward to brain surgery either. And backwards isn't helpful. None of it feels appealing unless we're talking a year from now.

Tonight we went out to dinner without kids and the meds all hit me and we got scared because I was acting not like myself and I had a good headache. Now when I get a headache I worry that my brain is about to blow up. We drove to my sister's and she took my vitals. Then I took more meds and talked and ate half a cupcake. It helped.

Isn't it weird how hard one step at a time is? Sometimes time and the concept behind it is the hardest thing to push through. When I can, I think about that Vietnam guy who has a concept named after the way he paced his prison time. I can't remember the name now but it is empowering. Other times I can't empower through the moment. I try to breathe some air and drink water and just... exist. I hold my own hands and I remember who I am and I try hard to get through some time. It helps.

But to be honest? This fucking sucks. 

1 comment:

KYGrace said...

(Jen, I found this quote several days ago and, for whatever reason, I HAVE to share it with you. I feel that it is important that you read it.)

~The person who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.~

I don't even know who wrote this, but I do know that it has something to do with YOUR life.
So, here's what I get (maybe you'll see something else, too)!

Manny = Mountain, no...wait - manny = mountain...that rascal doesn't deserve capitalization...no way.
Okay...he is your mountain. You have already begun to carry away the small stones. Some may be larger that you will have to act upon and some may be such a surprise that you will be astonished to have never thought about them before.

Your importance to the world cannot be ignored. We are all in this with you.
You have to carry the hardest part, but we will pick up the rest, wherever and whenever we can. (and we will carry YOU if you need us to)

Here is your Remembrance for Today:
You are surrounded by light always and you are inside the light.
You are part of the light. God is the light and you are part of God.
There is incredible love there. Allow the light to give you rest and peace.