4.15.2016

Things. In no order.

Things That Are Currently Tough:
1. Weaning Aaron (he is not happy and I'm uncomfortable and I'm not so thrilled either.)
2. I'm SO tired but can't fall asleep all day. Part of this is engorgement but another part is being on steroids that keeps me awake. And another part is having my life kinda flash before my eyes whenever I lay down and think. All the people I've been hearing from, all the life I've lived in 35 years. The fact that I'm about to get brain surgery. The feeling that grows in my gut more each day, suggesting that when this is all done I need to dream BIGGER. It's hard to explain.
3. Keeping everyone on their toes. As soon as we have the surgery booked my mom will come out and help. Then we'll have more family following. We're just all waiting to see this neurosurgeon tomorrow to get clarity on schedule. (Is it awesome or weird if I bring him brownies? Hm. I really want a picture with him. I want him to know how glad I am that he exists on the planet.)

Truths:
1. I had two children with no drugs and I have never been good at drugs at all (even pot). So... I'm kinda worried about being SO FAR GONE while they operate on my brain. Eek. 
2. Chris and I had a big convo tonight about the truth behind my wishes. I am very committed to living. So, that's the plan.
3. The thing I keep visualizing is this: losing weight from my head and then going to Hawaii. LET'S DO IT, MOM! When we are through this months from now we are going over there because why not? Life is short. I want to see beauty and I want my mom there too. She has always wanted to go. 

Answers to Popular Questions:
1. My neurologist thinks I've had this tumor at least 5 years. Maybe my whole life. Likely hormones fed it so the past few years of pregnancies were contributions. 
2. It is very likely benign. 
3. My worst fear is that it's cancer, despite that last fact. Pleasepleasepleaseplease benign.
4. Recovery depends on every person and every tumor. I hope they keep me in the hospital for a while because arriving back home, strung out on drugs for weeks with 2 tiny kids around is... ack. 
5. Odds are good they get it out and we're done. Maybe radiation if they can't get it all.
6. My friend Jon named the tumor Manny. Ha! Manny is getting evicted. GTFO, you squatter.

Questions I Asked Myself Yesterday:
1. What do I want to learn from this?
2. What does my gut tell me right now?

My Best Buddy Gave Me These The Day I Found Out:

I've been wearing them ever since. GOOD LUCK, sweet brain. Good luck. 

1 comment:

Caroline Blake said...

So I can't even imagine what you're going through, and I really have no helpful words here. I keep thinking about you and your family and your boys and am just... distraught for you but know you're strong and can power through. What little I can offer insight into though: cabbage leaves. For real, yo, re: engorgement. It's not just an old wive's tale. Won't help the part where you and little man are very sad about the weaning... but it'll help the tatas dry up with less pain. :\ http://kellymom.com/bf/concerns/mother/engorgement/#cabbage