I made videos for my sons this morning. I don't plan to need them but just in case something happens, I wanted them to know some things. 


Sometimes it feels like my funeral. But I am hoping to do a magic trick and have the positive words come without the tragedy. If you are lucky enough to be alive to hear the way you touch people, this is massively what I'm living through right now. And I know that you can't read this blog all the time! It's too sad or too dark or just not what you want to be swimming in. I really get that. So just come by when you can. 


They called today to tell me about surgery time on Monday. I check in at 10:50 AM and the surgery will start at 12:50. I asked if I should bring snacks for the doctors. Because that will be a long day! But the lady laughed on the phone and said no. My mom said they're not allowed to eat snacks while they're doing surgery and I guess that makes sense because I don't want Doritos in my gray matter.

My mom arrived yesterday and it is such strength to have her here. She brought me so many word puzzles and Sudoku books so I can be strong and retrain. I'm too wiped to even go pick one up right now but I will get there soon.

I started rereading Harry Potter earlier this week and it's the slowest I've ever read anything. I can't concentrate for very long but I do love thinking about owls and the first day of a new school and getting a new adventure pushed in front of you. My cats are spending a lot of time with me lately. My sister calls Ollie my neurodoula and who knows what he knows but it's good to have someone with you when you can't do anything but lay quietly.

This morning Noah woke up and came in our room and got in bed with us which is different than normal. We talked a little about feeling sick and he told me it's important to have your family help when you need to rest. He's so gentle with me lately and he doesn't know what's going on but you can tell he senses something. 


Tomorrow starts some appointments at the hospital and I know that we're coming to the bridge. Today we are having a sofa bed delivered for all of the guests who will come to help; we also rented a second car for a month so that we don't have to share one car with appointments and kids and visitors and all of the needs we'll have. We are OK. I am good. Really, I love life and even though the meds make me so tired I still think so much is beautiful and I still love humans. 

Thank you for the thoughts and the kindnesses. I'm sending you a big fat hug from here.


Maggie Mason said...

I thought your surgery was last Monday, so I was like CARE BEAR STARE all morning. Nothing creepy. Also, I had knee surgery years ago and was also thinking a lot about "where I would be" while it was happening. In the end, I was just deep asleep and had no concept of time. It's like you blink, but when you open your eyes this major thing has happened. You don't have to be a part of it at all. Afterward, it was a huge relief that I didn't have to... do anything to get through it, I guess? But I'm the kind of person who feels that she needs to be helpful during dental surgery, so... Thinking about you.

skersh said...

Thinking of you all the time and sending all my love your way. I keep reciting EE Cummings to myself-- my little prayer/mantra for you.

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Or shall I start to repeat it as "i carry your brain(i carry it in my heart)"? :-) Wish I was there to hug you and Chris and Noah and Aaron (and Ollie and Oscar). Love you all. xoxoxoxox