For an hour last night I felt guilt. Guilt for altering the course for so many. Chris, those on his team at Reddit, Noah, Aaron, my in-laws, my family, my clients. April and May have been so different than we all thought they'd be. 

But guilt is a waste of energy (particularly if you didn't give yourself the brain tumor that caused this mess). So I moved on. Be like water, my friend Alex from High School told me once a long time ago. I decided to be like water and just move with the cards we've been dealt.

Then Aaron woke up at 3:51 crying. He has been sleeping terribly since this all began. We made him 2 bottles and he gulped them down, then I rocked him and told him "everything's ok" over and over for a few minutes. He went back down but I lay awake til 6, thinking about my poor sweet guy and how hard it is to be 10 months old and go through this mom withdrawal. 

My Nana's mom died when she was 9 months old; she was raised by her siblings. Aaron won't have that same life, for that I'm grateful, but I do believe this will mark him somehow. Same with Noah. Kids are resilient for sure but this has definitely affected my boys and often I feel helpless to know how to navigate supporting them through it.

Here's Aaron yesterday evening. We finished dinner early and needed to kill 30 minutes before bath so I walked him around the block and showed him flowers. It helped us both, I think.

1 comment:

Robin DeGracia said...

My best friend died from cancer when her kids were 8 and 4 (she was diagnosed when she was pregnant with the youngest). I'm not going to say the kids were not affected, I saw a change in the older one right away. But they become stronger, more resilient, more caring and more understanding. It's not the cards you ever hope to deal with, but have faith that the experience will bring many strong characteristics out in your boys.